Blooming Ready; Let GO!

     On the outside I'm a very prickly person, a rather tightly closed off, thorny, bud to the outside world. Yet funny enough I relish being in the middle of things! I enjoy the noise of it all; watching the rush and crush of people around me. I suppose it comes from my up-bringing and constantly moving around but I've learnt not to trust people; not to even emotionally connect to those around me within this crazy world.  Now a little untrust, I suppose, is a healthy protective state but I have made it into an art form of the highest degree.

Growing up in a big city and through various circumstances I learned you don't ever acknowledge fellow humans because you never know who may have an agenda, or who may want to do some kind of harm. We teach children "Don't talk to strangers." This is a very good rule; unless you use it well into your adult life to shut people out because of fear.

My teen years were ever so turbulent, who's weren't? Between hormones, classmate taunts, class work loads, peer pressures and the stress of shaping my whole future; before even knowing what I wanted. I built walls around me, shutting everything out because I didn't know how to cope with the muck of it all. The only thing that seemed to relate to my mixed up mess was music. I would lose myself in lyrical tunes for hours; the beat of music pulverising all life's troubles away until exhaustion took over and I could just drift away to sleep. Not overly anxious to wake up and start again the next day! What a miserable moody I was.

From growing up to growing older I have learned that people use people. Who wants to be used? I certainly don't; yet experiencing colleague conspiracies, friendly jealousies, and general ugliness around me didn't give me much hope to let people close to me. On the rare occasions that I have- I quickly realized it was not a pleasurable, long term, experience and I got hurt; so the walls resurrected firmly in place once again.

Now, that I am on this new journey of my life, I realize I need to release my fears; all of them! I want to feel fear free, to rid myself of all hostility, bitterness, regrets, shame and sadness from my life. It's not to say I won't stick up for myself, if ever provoked, but I want to start taking the time to focus on releasing negativity and all things that do not offer beneficial joy in my life.

I want to believe that "personal knowing" comes through developing my own ability to love without judgment. I wish to let go the resentments that are closing me off from expressing a meaningful love. I do not wish to express anything that is not of a kindly intent. This is a gift, not only to others, but to my heart. This positive action, I hope, will anchor my grounding, will be my focus for the future and hopefully add to my blessings. I wish to live now, in hope, that this tightly closed off bud will soon become a beautifully open bloom.

Being Comfortable

     I have often been uncomfortable in life, who hasn't? Most people comment that "things in my life need to change for the better", and I've realized it's down to me to make these positive changes. No one can make changes for me, and no one will understand me; if I do not even understand myself. Which, for the most part- I don't! So now I begin this journey of discovery; the question is.... will I be comfortable with it? More to the point, will I continue to go through with it? Maybe, this is just one of life's many cosmic jokes, being that today is April fools day!

As you notice my blogsite is named: Live, Laugh and Dream. Throughout my life I have discovered that I have only ever shaped myself into other peoples images for me. Everytime it has ended up a disaster; I have either let down those I considered dear to me or I have made myself miserable in the process of being shaped both emotionally and physically by others.

Only recently I noticed that I have never truly lived; I have had enjoyable times in life to be sure but I have never seen events through my own eyes. I look back on photos and I don't see myself; instead I see someone's daughter, sibling, relative, girlfriend, college mate, friend, wife, work collegue, or mother but I have never seen myself as an individual.

Laughing, has never seemed to be part of my daily expiriences either; how can a person carry on throughout life and never remember laughing? Evidentally I have done just that, I can not remember the last time I laughed, enjoyed laughter or freely being able to laugh without some sort of falsehood or negative emotion attached to laughing. Can a person forget how to do this seemingly simple action? Growing up I remember my emotions always being in a roller coaster state; a constant motion of up and down. The "up's" being very short lived and the downs seemingly ever deep.  Never really any stability or balance; just a constant extreme from one way to another. How does one gain or even retain balance?

Dreaming, now this I have always been good at! Spending most of childhood as an only child I was very used to spending my time silent and alone. I come from a tragic divorced family situation, is there really any other kind? Growing up I always had my mother near me, feeding me, clothing me, providing for my daily exsistance but she never particiapted with me emotionally. I was very used to providing to her emotions, and staying out of her way; but I rarely received emotional nurturing from her. So I used to dream, I dreamed everything; through cloud watching to imagining sunny, coconut island getaways. I dreamed of anywhere I could go to be free and be happy. Many people, including my mother, have said "Your dreams are to big.",  "Dreams never happen.",or  "Don't bother dreaming, be realistic." I have always dreamed of being happy and yet this still eludes my daily exsistance. How can this be when I have participated in events or made accomplishments that others have envied? I have learned that life is hard, but I still wish to dream. But do I dare to make my dreams into reality?

Will any of these happen easily? Knowing my life; probably not, but I at least wish to try! Because without trying I have indeed failed myself and that would not only be sad but truly a waste of life! So now I want to be comfortable, comfortable within myself. Hence, why I have tossed a sparkly lippy and a box of plasters into my handbag. To remind myself that life can hurt but I have the power to face it with a bit of sparkle, patch up and carry on in relative comfort; despite lifes blisters.  Feel free to follow along my journey; but expect a bumpy ride!

"Holding back does not serve yourself or the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking away." ~ Anonymous