On the outside I'm a very prickly person, a rather tightly closed off, thorny, bud to the outside world. Yet funny enough I relish being in the middle of things! I enjoy the noise of it all; watching the rush and crush of people around me. I suppose it comes from my up-bringing and constantly moving around but I've learnt not to trust people; not to even emotionally connect to those around me within this crazy world. Now a little untrust, I suppose, is a healthy protective state but I have made it into an art form of the highest degree.
Growing up in a big city and through various circumstances I learned you don't ever acknowledge fellow humans because you never know who may have an agenda, or who may want to do some kind of harm. We teach children "Don't talk to strangers." This is a very good rule; unless you use it well into your adult life to shut people out because of fear.
My teen years were ever so turbulent, who's weren't? Between hormones, classmate taunts, class work loads, peer pressures and the stress of shaping my whole future; before even knowing what I wanted. I built walls around me, shutting everything out because I didn't know how to cope with the muck of it all. The only thing that seemed to relate to my mixed up mess was music. I would lose myself in lyrical tunes for hours; the beat of music pulverising all life's troubles away until exhaustion took over and I could just drift away to sleep. Not overly anxious to wake up and start again the next day! What a miserable moody I was.
From growing up to growing older I have learned that people use people. Who wants to be used? I certainly don't; yet experiencing colleague conspiracies, friendly jealousies, and general ugliness around me didn't give me much hope to let people close to me. On the rare occasions that I have- I quickly realized it was not a pleasurable, long term, experience and I got hurt; so the walls resurrected firmly in place once again.
Now, that I am on this new journey of my life, I realize I need to release my fears; all of them! I want to feel fear free, to rid myself of all hostility, bitterness, regrets, shame and sadness from my life. It's not to say I won't stick up for myself, if ever provoked, but I want to start taking the time to focus on releasing negativity and all things that do not offer beneficial joy in my life.
I want to believe that "personal knowing" comes through developing my own ability to love without judgment. I wish to let go the resentments that are closing me off from expressing a meaningful love. I do not wish to express anything that is not of a kindly intent. This is a gift, not only to others, but to my heart. This positive action, I hope, will anchor my grounding, will be my focus for the future and hopefully add to my blessings. I wish to live now, in hope, that this tightly closed off bud will soon become a beautifully open bloom.
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