It seems that Balance is a daily word popping into my life. I don't mean the sit around and breathe slowly kind of balance. I mean balance in all my actions and things from emotions, circumstances, relationships, food, exercise, absolutely everything you can think of. I usually have two speeds, running around at full throttle or a sudden stop of nothingness; so I can see why I would need some balance!
I suppose it came to my attention long ago but in the hurries of days going by, I admit, I will lose track of this seemingly, easy focus.
I have found, balance for me started with acknowledging mutual trust; now I have huge trust issues. From negativity in family situations growing up, backstabbing friendships, working career paths in a harsh, dog eat dog atmospheres, and even romantically that include gut wrenching tragedies. It's hard to let go of half a lifetime of staunch "Whats your angle?" or "How are you going to hurt me?" attitudes. But in taking simple steps to do just that, I have become more aware of myself and life around me.
It hasn't always been pretty, especially when looking at myself, but I have been through the ugliness and am now finding a bit of pure, clear, light ahead of me. Not trying to be overly virtuous I can seriously struggle, like everyone, to leave the past behind me and move forward. Especially when others involved in my past want to proverbially whack me out of the blue! But after my initial, "Are you serious?!", attitude I can now see their actions as extremely childish and wonder why they seem to have nothing better to do!
In my self journey, I have found that in finding clear boundaries and keeping agreements with myself first; this same thought has, unknowingly, opened myself to others in all areas of my life for the better! Setting simple and honouring realistic boundaries has created a sense of freedom for me; releasing self inflicted confines and even enabling me to heal events within my past.
All this has to be done with the right action, from me of course. I couldn't just slag people off in temper and expect to do nothing myself! Gardening, gave the golden insight for me. I realized, with preparation of the soil or my life, sowing or doing what's right in my heart, I could cultivate or grow a happier existence. Knowing that in my future lies a time of great abundance from what I have produced with my own actions. That, in turn, will bring me nourishment but also profound happiness in the simplicity of it all! What an easy equation and I only just now start to "get it"; better late than never.
Finally respect is involved with all of this too. "What?" your saying, what has r-e-s-p-e-c-t have to do with any of this! Respect, from Latin, literally means "to see again." I grew up with the need for respect, because without it I was told I wouldn't fully achieve in my life. That very thought even had me selfishly demand this from others, who not only didn't know what I was demanding, because I myself didn't even know what it was, but this action was also holding me back to a happier life of my own making. In an ever present process I have to release some very old, outdated and negative mindsets; that really have nothing to do with me personally. They have just been ideologies that I clung to because my family did; not necessarily a great reason to do something in your own life for which only you are responsible and accountable for!
So, how have I come about approaching this new life cycle of mine? Quite seriously with just talking, without accusation to others. Releasing personal hostility; due to my lifetime of pent up frustrations. All this through having an open heart and by not placing blame. It's seriously hard to do, at times, but it has been worth the effort! Now, all that I try to do is step into my future with clearer intentions, greet events with excited anticipation and walk on with laughter! Have the courage to respect yourself; just let go and see yourself again through a process that is meaningful to you.
Thursday, 21 April 2011
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
Doughed Over
Kids, I have found just want your unadulterated love. No matter how you show it, they love receiving your attention- on their terms; even to the point of our distraction!
My boy is home for half term currently and is part of why I feel I have no time left in my days of late; as I'm trying to keep him forever occupied. However, I just happened to find a project that covers a lot of good points all around and has now seemed to become a favorite practice for all of us every few days. What is this secret, magical, causing no arguments, encourages camaraderie, project that we all enjoy; you ask? Bread; that's right I said bread!
It happened after an evening of watching telly together, for those of you who know remember back about 2-3 nights ago when a certain cottage farming program was on, and they were discussing making bread; not in a machine but by the old fashioned, do it yourself, by hand method. I initially looked at and long fully lusted after having such a talent; then I quickly had a nightmarish vision of the one time in my life I attempted to make bread and well- lets just say it made a fabulous door stop; so I dare not do another attempt at this mystical bread making as I care about my family to much to harm them in this way. Much to my dismay, by the end of the show my husband looked at me and said lets give that a go, I just looked at him and said yes, you go ahead with that!
The next day, before I realized what my hands were really doing, my husband walked into our kitchen to find me; radio- blasting rock tunes, my hair pulled crazily into a ponytail and me, elbow deep in dough with an "I'm going to conquer this" look of determination on my face! I swear, he tried not to hide his squelching smirk on his face. But I trooped on, then my 6 year old ran in, "What ya doing Mum?" "Wrestling with dough", I said. He raised his eyes at me over his glasses and said "Good luck with that!" Off he ran away. Blowing hair off my brow, I carried on then sat down with a book during the "proofing" time.
By the end of everything we actually had, I'm pleasant to say, a half decent loaf of fresh baked bread! My son exclaimed that "poofing" time, no I didn't misspell he said poof, was cool and could he try it next? Then my husband chirped in; maybe next time you could try this kind of pan, or this type of bread. So I threw the gauntlet down and said we're all having a bread off, every few days one of us will make a loaf of bread and compare it. My son loved that idea, being a boy and loving to get his hands grubby, while my husband loving a competition, agreed with a boyish grin of self satisfaction!
Yesterday was our sons turn making bread and I have to say his, is so much better than my attempt. He really got into and tried out all sorts of ninja moves on the dough to beat it into submission; then massaged the dough to relax it, so it could "poof" properly. He also found he loves baking now! So add another life skill to his ever strong bow of success, we're all getting nourished with healthy food, and we have immensely enjoyed tasting, while critiquing, every ones bread attempts. All of this without any arguments about life; in fact I'd say we've been doughed over to a state of pure bliss! Find something similar and to your likes then give it a try; who knows what joys you'll find. Thanks for the encouragment Hugh!
My boy is home for half term currently and is part of why I feel I have no time left in my days of late; as I'm trying to keep him forever occupied. However, I just happened to find a project that covers a lot of good points all around and has now seemed to become a favorite practice for all of us every few days. What is this secret, magical, causing no arguments, encourages camaraderie, project that we all enjoy; you ask? Bread; that's right I said bread!
It happened after an evening of watching telly together, for those of you who know remember back about 2-3 nights ago when a certain cottage farming program was on, and they were discussing making bread; not in a machine but by the old fashioned, do it yourself, by hand method. I initially looked at and long fully lusted after having such a talent; then I quickly had a nightmarish vision of the one time in my life I attempted to make bread and well- lets just say it made a fabulous door stop; so I dare not do another attempt at this mystical bread making as I care about my family to much to harm them in this way. Much to my dismay, by the end of the show my husband looked at me and said lets give that a go, I just looked at him and said yes, you go ahead with that!
The next day, before I realized what my hands were really doing, my husband walked into our kitchen to find me; radio- blasting rock tunes, my hair pulled crazily into a ponytail and me, elbow deep in dough with an "I'm going to conquer this" look of determination on my face! I swear, he tried not to hide his squelching smirk on his face. But I trooped on, then my 6 year old ran in, "What ya doing Mum?" "Wrestling with dough", I said. He raised his eyes at me over his glasses and said "Good luck with that!" Off he ran away. Blowing hair off my brow, I carried on then sat down with a book during the "proofing" time.
By the end of everything we actually had, I'm pleasant to say, a half decent loaf of fresh baked bread! My son exclaimed that "poofing" time, no I didn't misspell he said poof, was cool and could he try it next? Then my husband chirped in; maybe next time you could try this kind of pan, or this type of bread. So I threw the gauntlet down and said we're all having a bread off, every few days one of us will make a loaf of bread and compare it. My son loved that idea, being a boy and loving to get his hands grubby, while my husband loving a competition, agreed with a boyish grin of self satisfaction!
Yesterday was our sons turn making bread and I have to say his, is so much better than my attempt. He really got into and tried out all sorts of ninja moves on the dough to beat it into submission; then massaged the dough to relax it, so it could "poof" properly. He also found he loves baking now! So add another life skill to his ever strong bow of success, we're all getting nourished with healthy food, and we have immensely enjoyed tasting, while critiquing, every ones bread attempts. All of this without any arguments about life; in fact I'd say we've been doughed over to a state of pure bliss! Find something similar and to your likes then give it a try; who knows what joys you'll find. Thanks for the encouragment Hugh!
Prepping Through Life; Slice, Chop!
Even though I have not been sitting down to my screen writing the last few days it doesn't mean that I have not been getting a swift kick from life in making me see it's lessons to be learned from!
Anyone who has ever lived with someone; can probably relate to the "how" and "why would I do this to myself?" thinking! At first living together is lovely and sometimes a dream come true; only to later realize uh, hold on, I have to change the way I've been happily doing things for "x" amount of years just because of someone else? I want to know who decreed that was a formal rule of proper living!
I must care about my other half dearly, more to the point, he must have the patience of a Saint to care about me just as much; as we have been together through some pretty tough spots together- my headstrong ways usually don't help add to the mix in a delightful way either. Yet, miraculously we still are quite keen of each others company. But there are times I look at him and wonder "Who the hell are you?" Only to realize later in the day, crap, I probably owe him an apology; that is exactly the case circa 3-4 days ago!
To be honest I could not even tell you what the whole palaver was about now but it did turn into me probably doing a bit of self sabotage and what would have been a lovely notion ended up with "us", namely me, not seeing eye to eye about something; thanks to my fiery temperament!
During "our", namely me, cooling off time I started to grab items out of the fridgerator to get dinner on. After the first 5 minutes of frantic pounding and demon chopping the poor, unsuspecting vegetables, I started to slow down and my mind started to wander a bit. I mean, I knew what I was doing, with very large- sharp, knife in hand, but repetitive motion, I found, has a tendency to chill me out and I can relax and start to think deeply. I thought of the stupidity of the "incident" and realized I was probably being a lot more selfish than I should have been, and that at the end of the day; did it all really matter? Well, no, I concluded it didn't really matter and I was getting bent for a very silly reason instead of looking at the positive in the situation; one of my many downfalls.
So as I was prepping the salad for tea that night I realized open communication is the way to go, I owed my other half an attempt at "I'm sorry" and wanted nothing more than to nourish my loved ones with something healthy and absolutely tasty for dinner; it seems to be one way I show my love- I feed those close to me with equisite food!
Bless his heart, when he saw me coming, he was a bit dubious with a " I wonder whats coming now" look. But I walked up to him, gave a hug and apologized for me being a selfish twit. With a smile creeping across his face "we", meaning me, sorted "things" out and ended up having a lovely evening together. So in future never underestimate the power of a good vegetable slicing to get your perspective in the right order about life. Or if you don't have any vegtables to hand, to demolish on your own accord, just order a salad and remember instead. :)
Anyone who has ever lived with someone; can probably relate to the "how" and "why would I do this to myself?" thinking! At first living together is lovely and sometimes a dream come true; only to later realize uh, hold on, I have to change the way I've been happily doing things for "x" amount of years just because of someone else? I want to know who decreed that was a formal rule of proper living!
I must care about my other half dearly, more to the point, he must have the patience of a Saint to care about me just as much; as we have been together through some pretty tough spots together- my headstrong ways usually don't help add to the mix in a delightful way either. Yet, miraculously we still are quite keen of each others company. But there are times I look at him and wonder "Who the hell are you?" Only to realize later in the day, crap, I probably owe him an apology; that is exactly the case circa 3-4 days ago!
To be honest I could not even tell you what the whole palaver was about now but it did turn into me probably doing a bit of self sabotage and what would have been a lovely notion ended up with "us", namely me, not seeing eye to eye about something; thanks to my fiery temperament!
During "our", namely me, cooling off time I started to grab items out of the fridgerator to get dinner on. After the first 5 minutes of frantic pounding and demon chopping the poor, unsuspecting vegetables, I started to slow down and my mind started to wander a bit. I mean, I knew what I was doing, with very large- sharp, knife in hand, but repetitive motion, I found, has a tendency to chill me out and I can relax and start to think deeply. I thought of the stupidity of the "incident" and realized I was probably being a lot more selfish than I should have been, and that at the end of the day; did it all really matter? Well, no, I concluded it didn't really matter and I was getting bent for a very silly reason instead of looking at the positive in the situation; one of my many downfalls.
So as I was prepping the salad for tea that night I realized open communication is the way to go, I owed my other half an attempt at "I'm sorry" and wanted nothing more than to nourish my loved ones with something healthy and absolutely tasty for dinner; it seems to be one way I show my love- I feed those close to me with equisite food!
Bless his heart, when he saw me coming, he was a bit dubious with a " I wonder whats coming now" look. But I walked up to him, gave a hug and apologized for me being a selfish twit. With a smile creeping across his face "we", meaning me, sorted "things" out and ended up having a lovely evening together. So in future never underestimate the power of a good vegetable slicing to get your perspective in the right order about life. Or if you don't have any vegtables to hand, to demolish on your own accord, just order a salad and remember instead. :)
Friday, 8 April 2011
Where has the week gone?!!
Well, I haven't forgotten to write but its been a bit manic as the week has progressed for me; suddenly I find myself a bit overwhelmed with not having enough hours in the day! When I started this blog I didn't really intent on writing every day but I just found it came so easily; now I guess it's been a week full of errands, appointments and I have actually carved out time to finish my Loose Women's Mum Book yeah! :)
I will have my lovely boy at home for the next few weeks for half term and I have no doubt I will struggle with ways to keep him occupied! But on the up side the weathers going to be glorious this weekend and I am more than looking forward to a heat wave finally!
Throughout the time I'm planning on some BB Q's with copious amounts of wine sipping OK , maybe even a good guzzle or two; I better stock up :) Have you ever tried wines from Lyme Bay winery? They are super delicious and so very easy to drink; a dangerous side effect! I want also to get in the sunshine and plan to work at getting the garden veg and flower crops planted in- which is massive in itself as I have hard time reigning myself in!
Finishing of by again some more reading time notched out; found a very funny book THE BATTERSEA PARK ROAD TO ENLIGHTENMENT by Isobel Losada and I have to say it's witty and I'm thoughourly enjoying it so far. Interesting, what catches your eye when you try to make life changes and this book seems to hit close to home for me right now; with the new directions I'm looking to take in my own life.
Until next time, look for the sunshine!
I will have my lovely boy at home for the next few weeks for half term and I have no doubt I will struggle with ways to keep him occupied! But on the up side the weathers going to be glorious this weekend and I am more than looking forward to a heat wave finally!
Throughout the time I'm planning on some BB Q's with copious amounts of wine sipping OK , maybe even a good guzzle or two; I better stock up :) Have you ever tried wines from Lyme Bay winery? They are super delicious and so very easy to drink; a dangerous side effect! I want also to get in the sunshine and plan to work at getting the garden veg and flower crops planted in- which is massive in itself as I have hard time reigning myself in!
Finishing of by again some more reading time notched out; found a very funny book THE BATTERSEA PARK ROAD TO ENLIGHTENMENT by Isobel Losada and I have to say it's witty and I'm thoughourly enjoying it so far. Interesting, what catches your eye when you try to make life changes and this book seems to hit close to home for me right now; with the new directions I'm looking to take in my own life.
Until next time, look for the sunshine!
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
Blood, Sweat, & Cheers
Looking back I have come to realize anything we accomplish or have takes some kind of mental decision and physical effort, furthering yourself along for what your about to attain; this can either have pleasant or disastrous long term effects on yourself and others.
Through course loads, workloads, becoming a kind of singleton or partner. Furthering to job opportunities and general daily life choices. All these require a combination of some type of either figurative or literal blood and sweat; with at the end of things allowing you to feel relief!
As I'm on my personal journey I try to look at what I'm cultivating. Can a lousy attitude give me only unhappily dire situations or relationships? I have found this to be fairly true! I know I can't be Ms. Super Bouncy Happy person all the time. I am a complicated human after all and being that "up" all the time would be just a bit too creepy to me. So how can I cultivate the opposite? I want to try and look beyond my emotions, find ways that keep me calm under pressures and just watch the raging ripples subside; reflecting back to me some smallest bit of peace around me.
After only a few short days of trying to adjust my general mindset I have found some glimmers of peace present itself in front if me, basically reflecting back what I have been sending out into the world. No longer do I want to live my life in ignorance; I have found that I need to work on being unaffected by the dirty, emotional, "slush" around me. I'm learning and continuing to grow in understanding to what makes me adept at becoming clear about what I'm looking for in my life; basking in the warm realization.
I wish to perceive more things in the daily world around me; looking only for the truth therefore to challenge the patterns of my own past making. Without really setting up a "pre plan" for once in my life, in order to achieve this feeling; I am instead, just doing and have already found some delightful gifts for myself in return. I hope I find many more things to cheer about!
Through course loads, workloads, becoming a kind of singleton or partner. Furthering to job opportunities and general daily life choices. All these require a combination of some type of either figurative or literal blood and sweat; with at the end of things allowing you to feel relief!
As I'm on my personal journey I try to look at what I'm cultivating. Can a lousy attitude give me only unhappily dire situations or relationships? I have found this to be fairly true! I know I can't be Ms. Super Bouncy Happy person all the time. I am a complicated human after all and being that "up" all the time would be just a bit too creepy to me. So how can I cultivate the opposite? I want to try and look beyond my emotions, find ways that keep me calm under pressures and just watch the raging ripples subside; reflecting back to me some smallest bit of peace around me.
After only a few short days of trying to adjust my general mindset I have found some glimmers of peace present itself in front if me, basically reflecting back what I have been sending out into the world. No longer do I want to live my life in ignorance; I have found that I need to work on being unaffected by the dirty, emotional, "slush" around me. I'm learning and continuing to grow in understanding to what makes me adept at becoming clear about what I'm looking for in my life; basking in the warm realization.
I wish to perceive more things in the daily world around me; looking only for the truth therefore to challenge the patterns of my own past making. Without really setting up a "pre plan" for once in my life, in order to achieve this feeling; I am instead, just doing and have already found some delightful gifts for myself in return. I hope I find many more things to cheer about!
Monday, 4 April 2011
Garbage Day!
I can tell when I'm on the right track because now that I have had time to make decisions to move forward in my life and have dipped my toes into a comfortable state of awareness; I get dumped on!
We all have it, the days where the alarm doesn't go off- for whatever mysterious reason, the hot water runs out of the shower while your still covered in shampoo, the toast gets burnt to a cinder, the coffee tastes like mud from wonky kettle water, and you miss your transportation by the barest of seconds and you have to walk it. Undoubtedly halfway to your destination nature decides to chuck it down and rain on you, making you so glad you tried to do "something" with your hair that day; delightful.
Take for example today, it's my garbage day and pick up around my end of town. As I was walking home after early morning errand running; I was feeling pretty good about my recent choices of having an open heart and leaving junk in the past. From out of nowhere I literally get bags of garbage slammed into my side, tripping over and nearly dropping my shopping! Now, the immature me of the past would have given the pitiful garbage collector an earful and I would have made sure he heard my wrath; but I don't know today seemed different and all I did was look at the unexpectedness of it all, shake my head in disbelief then casually walked on towards home.
Back home as I was unloading my groceries I felt this warmth come over me and I had to smile to myself; it seems I had passed some sort of cosmic test and I felt deeply loved.
I believe that when your trying to make good in your life your bound to be tested, sometimes to your limits, to see if you stay on track and today, at least, I seemed to stay on course for my life- which felt pretty good!
Take a look at your day and if that friend or colleague is dumping on you about their problems or finding ways to tear you down; ask them why? Why do others take such pleasure in bringing other people down? I have found it's because they can not cope and want to feel like they are not the only one feeling dumped on! At these instances you can do several things, have a verbal altercation, walk away in frustration, tell them to stop, or my favorite is to break into a smile, hand them a coffee and confuse the hell outta them. They will learn their lessons eventually and in the meantime you are still on track to having a better day and peace within your own life.
So to everyone who gets dumped on, quite literally at times, I share a coffee with you and hope you continue to have a bright day, cheers. :)
We all have it, the days where the alarm doesn't go off- for whatever mysterious reason, the hot water runs out of the shower while your still covered in shampoo, the toast gets burnt to a cinder, the coffee tastes like mud from wonky kettle water, and you miss your transportation by the barest of seconds and you have to walk it. Undoubtedly halfway to your destination nature decides to chuck it down and rain on you, making you so glad you tried to do "something" with your hair that day; delightful.
Take for example today, it's my garbage day and pick up around my end of town. As I was walking home after early morning errand running; I was feeling pretty good about my recent choices of having an open heart and leaving junk in the past. From out of nowhere I literally get bags of garbage slammed into my side, tripping over and nearly dropping my shopping! Now, the immature me of the past would have given the pitiful garbage collector an earful and I would have made sure he heard my wrath; but I don't know today seemed different and all I did was look at the unexpectedness of it all, shake my head in disbelief then casually walked on towards home.
Back home as I was unloading my groceries I felt this warmth come over me and I had to smile to myself; it seems I had passed some sort of cosmic test and I felt deeply loved.
I believe that when your trying to make good in your life your bound to be tested, sometimes to your limits, to see if you stay on track and today, at least, I seemed to stay on course for my life- which felt pretty good!
Take a look at your day and if that friend or colleague is dumping on you about their problems or finding ways to tear you down; ask them why? Why do others take such pleasure in bringing other people down? I have found it's because they can not cope and want to feel like they are not the only one feeling dumped on! At these instances you can do several things, have a verbal altercation, walk away in frustration, tell them to stop, or my favorite is to break into a smile, hand them a coffee and confuse the hell outta them. They will learn their lessons eventually and in the meantime you are still on track to having a better day and peace within your own life.
So to everyone who gets dumped on, quite literally at times, I share a coffee with you and hope you continue to have a bright day, cheers. :)
Sunday, 3 April 2011
Genetic Spirit
Strong, commanding, survivalist, superwomen; where I am today, it's Mothers day. I've been thinking the past several days of the women in my life, both past and present, that have surrounded me and shaped me along my way. Each have remarkable, tragic stories and lessons to learn from. Deep down, I highly respect each person for what they have gone through and their strengths that have carried them on. Oddly enough, the one quality I admire most from these women are the same qualities that have given each woman some negativity in my eyes. Do genetics play a part; will these same qualities be my downfall, from having a lasting, peaceful, happiness in my life?
I, myself, am a Mother. I openly admit that I am far from the perfect Mum. There are times when I have felt that I have lost my mind and total sanity! I have numerous tears and battled depressions along the way so far. Thinking I did not have the strength to move forward, and yet I have dusted myself off many times and carried on. My oldest child has had to grow through many mistakes and my immaturity, my middle child has had to bear the hardships of my failings in my first marriage and my youngest has, so far, had to deal with the fallout of my past decisions. Someday I do hope all my children will look upon me and know that through it all, I have only ever worried and loved each one of them. I have never felt happier then when seeing their smiles warm across me like blazing sunshine.
As you commemorate this day, as you see fit, I have realized that no matter what your background, circumstances or upbringing it seems that deep down we crave a mother figure. Emotionally or figuratively it pulses with each breath.
"The sweetest sounds to mortals given are heard in the words Mother, Home, and Heaven."
~William Goldsmith Brown
I, myself, am a Mother. I openly admit that I am far from the perfect Mum. There are times when I have felt that I have lost my mind and total sanity! I have numerous tears and battled depressions along the way so far. Thinking I did not have the strength to move forward, and yet I have dusted myself off many times and carried on. My oldest child has had to grow through many mistakes and my immaturity, my middle child has had to bear the hardships of my failings in my first marriage and my youngest has, so far, had to deal with the fallout of my past decisions. Someday I do hope all my children will look upon me and know that through it all, I have only ever worried and loved each one of them. I have never felt happier then when seeing their smiles warm across me like blazing sunshine.
As you commemorate this day, as you see fit, I have realized that no matter what your background, circumstances or upbringing it seems that deep down we crave a mother figure. Emotionally or figuratively it pulses with each breath.
"The sweetest sounds to mortals given are heard in the words Mother, Home, and Heaven."
~William Goldsmith Brown
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